Defining Moments
by RoseHyperionMalfoy
Summary: All it took was one moment. One moment that I stumbled upon for me to realize that everything that I thought I knew was about to change. One moment for me to see what I've been missing all along.


I hadn't really meant to listen, honest to goodness I hadn't. I had just turned the corner on the fifth floor during my nightly rounds and seen Black and my best friend Marlene dodging into a small space. They hadn't seen me and I was just going to walk right by. After all, whatever they were doing really wasn't any of my business. But then I heard my name, and it's as if I became powerless to stop my feet from moving closer to them. And when I came as close to them as possible without being overseen, my feet stopped of their own accord. Nothing I did, no matter how many times I urged them to move, they stayed where they were preventing me from turning away. And I suppose, looking back, that I could have cast a silencing spell so as not to hear them but again I could not. My arm would not move and to be truthful, I didn't really want it to. I was somehow desperate to hear whatever they were saying and at the same time desperate to run away. But my feet remained where they were and made my decision for me.

"_What's going on with James, Sirius? He seems a bit off these past few weeks," Marlene asked. _

"_Living with Evans is taking its toll, that's what," Sirius refuted gruffly. _

"_What do you mean?" _

_Sirius exploded. "What do you mean? You know very well what I mean! You know exactly what's going on! He's bloody well in love with her and she barely even tolerates his existence – can you imagine how hard it must be for him up in those dorms? To see her everyday, to spend so much time with her and watch her as she flaunts around completely oblivious to him?" _

_Marlene visibly sighed. "I know, I know. I tried telling her over the years that she is acting ridiculously where James is concerned but she won't listen to me! She's bloody well convinced that everyone around is completely bonkers about him and that she's the only one who sees him for who he truly is. I've tried so many times to change her mind but she just won't listen!" _

"_I fucking HATE her, Marlene! I hate that she has so much power over my best friend – she possesses the ability to make him or break him and she doesn't even know it! I've tried to persuade him over the years to give her up, to just relax with the whole Lily Evans obsession but it's like she bewitched him or something! He cannot let her go – she's all he ever thinks about. Just look at him this year! He's turned into some kind of stodgy old cod and all because Lily Evans told him that he's pathetic and should grow up! What the hell gives her the right to talk to him like that?! _

_Marlene just shook her head at Sirius before replying quietly; "There's nothing wrong with being more reserved Sirius." _

"_Of course there isn't! But I want him to be like that because he chose to, because he realized that he could be a better person like that, and not because Lily Evans thinks he should! And for fuck's sake, I miss my best friend! I miss the guy who had fire in his eyes and his veins, who was up for anything, and who actually lived his life. That's who James really is!" _

"_It really is quite sad to see him subdued, isn't it?" Marlene agreed. "I mean, that was always the whole pleasure of his company – spending time with James always felt so intense, as if every single second of time that passed by was a second wasted. Whenever you were with him, you felt as if you had experienced something profound and of utmost importance because that's just how he treated his time." _

_Sirius was already nodding his head in agreement to her words. "Exactly! Exactly. And I miss him! Fuck, I miss him so much. And it's all because Evans told him a piece of her mind. Do you know how much she bugs me sometimes? I can't count the number of times that I heard from her about how terrible Prongs was and how he should just grow up and act mature. But for heaven's sake, she walks around with her I'm holier than thou attitude, acting as if she's some kind of righteous saint who never does anything wrong. She might not prank as much as Prongs and the rest of us, and she obviously doesn't enjoy a good laugh, but hell, that woman has a way with words. Doesn't she realize that she knows precisely what to say to cut through to someone's heart and rip it out?" He looked positively ready to burst, having gone all red in the face. _

_Marlene simply sighed again. "I know, Sirius. But no, I don't think she realizes exactly how bad she can be. I told her at the end of last year that she can be absolute bitch when she wants to be and that she is extremely insulting to James most of the times, but again she just wouldn't listen!" _

"_Do you remember at the end of fifth year, when in the middle of a shouting match she called Prongs a pureblood elitist?" Sirius asked. Marlene, seemingly having remembered bowed her head in shame. "She got so upset when Snivellus called her the m-word but she called Prongs basically the equivalent of that, just going the other way__!__" _

"_I almost wrung her neck that day, Sirius. I was so, so mad at her!" Marlene burst out. _

_It seemed as if Sirius was just getting started though, talking about something that he had been keeping inside for too long. "But how could she even think that! The boy is best friends with a half-blood, a werewolf, and the biggest blood-traitor that Hogwarts has ever seen! And she knows that! Did you know that after that, Prongs barely talked to us for a week? And when we got home, he had a three-hour conversation with his mother during which I specifically heard him ask her whether he did act like a pureblood elitist. She was so concerned that she came to me later to ask if I knew anything about it. I didn't really have the heart to tell her that the love of her only son's life called him that after a stupid prank that we pulled on her friend." _

"_That was terribly stupid what you did to Snape, Sirius." Marlene chastised. _

"_Yes, thank you! I know it was stupid, it was terribly, terribly immature, and stupid, I know that! Evans blames Prongs for the disintegration of her friendship and for being the cause of her friend calling her that word. I get that. But what Evans doesn't seem to understand, is that just because Snivellus only called her the m-word after Prongs and I taunted him, does not mean that he hadn't been hanging out with wannabe death eaters for years and talking about dark magic with them. She seems to think that Prongs was the one who always taunted Snivellus, when in fact Snivellus and his gang taunted us just as much! He just did it behind her back so that she would never know. I honestly don't know what she ever saw in that slimy git," Sirius seethed. _

"_Nobody knows what she saw in him, Sirius. But he was her first friend from the magical world – she wanted to hold onto that." _

"_So what? Just because he was her first real friend does not mean that he wasn't a git. Why should it matter? My first acquaintances were Avery and Lestrange and I've known them for years – you don't see me still hanging out with them." _

_Marlene sighed again. "Sirius it's not the same. You know she doesn't have a good home life and he got her through that, he was a link to the magical world for her." _

"_I couldn't give a damn that she doesn't have a good home life, Marlene! Earth to Lily Evans but she isn't the only one! Hell, I don't even have a home__! M__y entire family has disowned me, and my own mother threatened to murder me if I ever showed up there again. And don't even get me started on someone like Moony, whose parents are so scared of him that they barely even talk to him. I feel sorry for her, I really do. But really, hanging out with Snape just to have someone to talk to during the summer? That seems a pretty poor excuse for a friendship to me. And it's not like he ever valued their friendship – I did not see him once stand up his 'friends' when they were insulting her or anything. It was all just an act. And the fact that she couldn't see that, but was more than willing to hate and insult my best friend because we pulled pranks on him, pisses me off." _

_Marlene sank down into a chair after glancing at Sirius and noticing that he most likely wasn't going to stop any time soon. _

"_And I mean, come on! How can she not know how in love he is with her! I sound like a bloody hufflepuff, but does she not see the way he looks at her! Fucking hell, it's completely pathetic. But still, she doesn't notice. Sure, when we were younger, I'll admit that he was completely obnoxious when it came to her. But Merlin's beard, he isn't thirteen anymore! He's obviously grown out of it, and yet she still notices nothing. How can someone so smart, be so absolutely daft at the same time?" _

"_I don't know, Sirius. I don't know how she fails to notice everything he does." _

"_Remember last year, when she got paired up with that idiot Stiles in transfiguration, and Prongs tutored him for two weeks straight knowing that transfiguration wasn't Evans' best subject so that she could get a good mark? And do you remember what happened afterwards, Marly?" Sirius asked, snarling slightly. _

"_She came back to the common room and praised Stiles in front of everyone for actually doing his homework and trying in class," Marlene answered quietly. _

"_Exactly! How daft can she be! Everybody knows that Stiles was and still is a terrible student, but off she went thinking that he got magical transfiguration skills overnight. It's complete bollocks. And the roses! I know he's been obnoxious with Valentine's before but last year all he did was lay them out on her favourite armchair in front of the fire with a note saying 'Happy Valentine's Day Evans.' And what did she do? She found them in the morning, came over, and threw them down at his feet saying that she was not some common slag like the one's that he usually dates to be able to be swayed with pink roses. You could almost feel the devastation rolling off of him, Marly." _

"_God, Sirius, I know! Alright, I know! What the hell am I supposed to do? I've told her a million times that she was being rude," Marlene exclaimed. _

"_Oh, and right before Christmas last year, when she caught Prongs telling Moony to go for it with Dorcas Meadows and she asked him snidely whether he was advising someone as nice as Remus to become a man slag like him. Do you remember that?" Sirius demanded. _

"_Of course I do, Sirius! James came to me later and asked if I thought that he really was a man sla__g.__I__t honestly took me a moment to realize that he took what Lily said to heart," Marlene answered evenly. _

"_Of course he took it to heart! He takes everything she says to heart! Evans tells him that he pranks too much so he cuts down on pranking. Evans tells him that quidditch is a juvenile way to use time so he actually considers giving up quidditch. Prongs! Give up quidditch! The idea is preposterous! Evans tells him that she'd never want to be friends with him because he's a terrible friend so he goes and apologizes to all of us for being a bad friend. How can she not notice any of this?!" _

_Marlene's mouth dropped open at Sirius's next words, "He actually apologized to you for being a bad friend?" _

_Sirius emphatically nodded his head. "Yes he did. And not only that, but how could she say something like that to James? Evans knows how hard it is for Remus to open up to anyone – he constantly fears that he's going to be rejected, even by us. And James has had all of two girlfriends, none of which lasted longer than four months. Evans knows all of this. And yet she still says something that completely destroys every single ounce of his self-esteem." _

"_Wow. She hadn't told me about that episode," Marlene remarked. "But she's such a sweetheart! I just don't understand how a person who can be so sweet one minute, can go and turn into someone so awful the next." _

"_That's exactly it. She's such a caring person – to everyone but Prongs. It's like whenever she talks to him, she forgets that she has a heart and conscience and so does he, just like anybody else. He has a heart, as much of a prick that he sometimes is, he has a very big heart that Evans holds in her hand whether she knows it or not. And honestly, I've watched her crush it too many times to count in the last couple of years. How many beatings can a guy's ego take before he gives up?" _

"_Is that what he's done now? Give up?" Marlene asked quietly. _

"_Well yeah," Sirius stated. "He's living with her which is in some ways a dream come true but at the same time a terrible nightmare that he can't get out of. Merlin's balls, I can't even remember the last time that he truly laughed at anything. It's like he's stuck in a candy store – he's close enough to touch what he wants most but finds that there is impenetrable glass surrounding it with only one person who holds the key." _

"_Lily doesn't really complain about him much anymore, if that's consolation," Marlene added. _

"_Actually it's not Marly. That just means that she's started being indifferent towards him which is James's worst dreams coming true – the one thing that he fears the most is being forgotten by those around him. And being treated as if one didn't exist is almost the same thing; I should know – that's exactly how my family treats me. And you know what? She doesn't deserve him. Even though he has been a right git over the years, she's been no princess herself and she doesn't deserve someone who's still in love with her after all this time. Evans might expect Prince Charming but I hate to remind her that Prince Charming, from those muggle fairytales that she reads, doesn't exist. Prongs will never be like that__.__F__rankly, no bloke will ever be like that because we're all human and we all have faults. And for her to have Prince Charming, she would have to be a princess, which everyone and their mother knows that she is not." _

After that, I had to turn away. Had I really acted like that? Had I actually treated another human being so poorly? I had never been a fan of Sirius Black but hearing him talk about Potter brought about a new found respect – it was obvious to anyone that he loved him like a brother and was loyal to a fault. But the way he described me, it was obvious why he hated me. If I were in his position, I would hate me too.

How I could I say such terrible things? Even if I didn't particularly like Potter, hearing Black describe the situation made me realize just how cruel I could be. And Marlene was right. She did tell me at the end of last year that I could be a right bitch I wanted to – apparently when it came to James Potter I was. I didn't honestly think that he'd take my words seriously. I didn't honestly mean them either. Black was right, I did blame Potter for the whole Severus incident. But Black was right again – just because Sev hadn't called me a mudblood up until that point, doesn't mean that he wasn't hanging out with wannabe death eaters and talking about dark magic. I had just been unwilling to see it.

And it was just like Black said, Potter was a right git, but then again, I hadn't been much better. It was all true. I had been waiting for my very own prince charming to come around, unwilling to allow Potter's affections because he wasn't perfect. But I was no princess, no matter what my father always told me. Hearing those words, and hearing affirmations from my very own best friend revealed to me just how cruel I could be.

I don't know why I acted like such a bitch to Potter – I can't believe I actually called him a man slag and insinuated that he was a terrible friend. Of course I knew that he was a good friend. Remus had told me one night on patrol that Potter had been the first one to stand by his side in second year, the first one to say that it didn't matter what he was, because he was their friend. I knew that, and yet I had called him a bad friend.

Ashamed. There was no other word for it. I felt completely and utterly ashamed. I, Lily, who prided myself on being a good person, had acted like that towards another person. Another person who wholeheartedly did not deserve my anger and rage.

It was all true, everything Black said. It was all true – about Severus, and about Potter. I too had noticed that Potter seemed to have lost his spark this year. But unlike Marlene and Black, people who were good friends, I failed to question it, thinking cruelly that it was much better that he was no longer such a bother. I, Lily Evans, was and still am, a cold-hearted bitch. With this thought in my head, I ducked into the first abandoned classroom I saw, fell to my knees and cried.

Minutes, or what seemed like hours later I came up from my haze and started to make my way unsteadily to the Head's dormitory. I had to put this right with James. Not Potter, James. Somewhere during my gut wrenching sobs I decided that I had enough of my hatred. As much as I hate to admit it, at some point during sixth year I had started to have second thoughts about James. Second thoughts, which turned into third and fourth and tenth thoughts – thoughts that had only intensified due to us sharing a dorm. This, however, was the one place where Black was wrong, my lack of complaining had not been due to indifference but rather fear; fear of my growing feelings, fear of the very thing that I had sworn to hate.

But I was finally going to put this right. An apology for how I've treated him in the past and a promise for a better future. I was so sick of being Lily the coward. Tonight was the night for my Gryffindor heritage to come in.

Approaching the portrait of the four founders, I uttered the password and slipped into the room, noting James sitting slumped on the couch. I stepped towards him slowly, not wanting to startle him. "James?"

He looked up completely shocked to see me there. "Lily?"

"James," I said again, louder this time. And it happened again, my feet moved as if I was powerless to stop them, moving closer and closer to James, until I was standing right in front of him.

"Lily," he breathed again, his voice sounding oddly strained and hoarse, and I blame what I did next purely on the sweet sound of my name coming from his lips.

I leaned forward, bracing one of my hands slightly on his shoulder, the other moving upwards to cup the left side of his cheek. My lips moved towards his slowly and I saw his eyes widen before they shut almost involuntarily as my lips came over his. And I knew what I was missing. As my lips moved over his tentatively, I felt my heart slow it's erratic beating and the butterflies in my stomach settle. And somehow I knew, that this was exactly what my body and mind had been craving, yearning. And for one fleeting moment, it was perfect.

But then I felt James pull away abruptly and mutter 'don't.' My blood buzzing through my head I didn't seem to hear him and leaned forward to catch his lips again, when I heard him whisper again.

"Lily, please don't."

With those three words, I knew what heartbreak meant. What James must have felt all those times that I pushed him away. I had finally realized where I needed to be, and now it was too late. I had wasted so many good chances, so much promise thanks to my own stupidity. Had wounded him too many times, just like Sirius said.

"Why?" I uttered before I could think.

James sighed before looking me in the eyes. "Because I don't just want a taste, Lily. I don't want to kiss you if I can't do it again." My eyes snapped to his before the tears could start falling. Now was my chance to set it all right – an apology and a promise, just as I had said.

"James, I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the horrible things that I've said to you over the years, for the way that I just cast you away. You're not a horrible person and you didn't deserve to be treated the way that I treated you. So I'm sorry."

James looked stunned. There was no other word for it. "You're s-s-sorry?" he sputtered.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I think that the reason that I did all those things dates back to when we first met. When you first introduced yourself and told me that you like me, I thought you were mocking me because I was muggleborn. And looking back, that feeling stuck. Everything you said to me, I carried a layer of doubt around, thinking that you were trying to undermine me in some way. And as the years went by, even though I knew that you weren't doing that, I still acted cruelly to try and find a reason to justify my earlier reactions. I'm sorry."

James' jaw dropped even further and he seemed to be at a lack of things to say. "You're sorry?" he asked again. I nodded and he seemed to shake his head and gain back some of his resolve.

"Then I'm sorry too. I know I've been a git to you in the past and I hope that you can forgive me for that. I hope that we can forgive each other."

"I think we can." I walked the few steps towards him again and reached my hand up to caress his cheek. He turned his cheek into my palm and closed his eyes contentedly and my heart leapt again. Perhaps all was not lost.

"I love you, James." The words poured out of me without any resistance, my heart seemingly knowing exactly what it wanted to say.

Instead of replying, James pulled me into his arms and hugged me to his chest. Leaning back to stroke his thumb over my cheek he whispered the words that I had yearned to hear.

"I love you, Lily."

My last coherent thought as James' lips descended on mine was that I owed Sirius a thank you.


End file.
